My Mom's In Jail....

I'm assuming, or hoping that will be the strangest and saddest blog title I will ever have to write.

As I have mentioned before my Mom is an alcoholic.  When I was younger she was a very normal Mom.  Actually she was much better than normal, she was extremely caring and supportive and always put her children and family first.  When I was about 16 she started drinking more and more.  When I was 21 she first went to rehab.  The last 10 years have been very volatile.  She has been in and out of rehabs, detox centers, homeless shelters and has had and lost countless jobs.

About three weeks ago I had about 10 girlfriends over and heard a knock at my front door.  Everyone that I was expecting had already arrived so I was curious to see who it was.  I opened the door and was shocked to see my Mom on my door step.  I haven't had much of a relationship with her over the past 5 years.  I could tell that she was intoxicated so I told her she could stay but had to go in the spare bedroom and go to bed.   The next morning she I told her that she couldn't stay at my house.  I told her that I let her stay because I didn't want her on the road drunk the night before. After a lot of begging and tears from her she left.  I felt horrible but I have been through this so many times that I know exactly how the situation will end.  She was sober when she left our house at 9am.  By 11am she had been arrested for a DUI.

She has been there for 3 weeks now.  She has burned all her bridges and alcohol has ruined all over her relationships and no one wants to be responsible for bailing her out.  In a way I am grateful that she is in jail.  I know that must sound heartless but now she can't drink and hurt anyone else.  I think a few weeks of being sober will be good for her.  Drinking that heavily for so long really affects your mind.  She was becoming delusional.  Unfortunately I don't think a few weeks of being sober in jail will fix her but maybe it will give her the courage to change.  I pray for her everyday and hope the story ends well.

Recent Reads

I have been devouring books lately!  I absolutely love to read and share with others.

Blackberry Winter by Sarah Jio

      Seattle 1933.  Vera Ray kisses her three year-old son, Daniel, good night and reluctantly leaves for work.  She hates the night shift, but it's the only way she can earn enough to keep destitution at bay.  In the morning - even though it's the second of May - a heavy snow is falling.  Vera rushes to wake Daniel, but his bed is empty.  His teddy bear lies outside in the snow.

      Seattle, present day.  On the second of May, Seattle Herald reporter Claire Aldridge awakens to another late-season snowstorm.  Assigned to cover this "blackberry winter" and its predecessor decades earlier, Claire learns of Daniel's unsolved abduction and vows to unearth the truth - only to discover that she and Vera are linked in unexpected ways.

I really enjoyed this book!  I read it in a day.  It followed the life on Vera in the 30s and Claire in present time.  I love books that show glimpses of the past.  It was easy and fun to read.

After You by Jojo Moyes

       After the transformative six months she spent with Will Traynor, Louisa Clark is struggling without him.  And when an extraordinary accident forces Lou to return home to her family, she can't help but feels she's right back where she started.

       Her body heals, by Lou knows that she needs to be kick-started back to life.  Reluctantly, she joins the Moving On support group and meets the one man who might be able to understand her. Then a figure from Will's past appears and hijacks all her plans, propelling Lou into a very different future...

I really enjoyed the first book in this series, Me Before You so I was excited to read this one.  But it wasn't nearly as good as the first.  I don't want to give the plot away but it seemed to drag on a bit. I would still recommend reading it if you enjoyed the first one, but don't expect a book of the same caliber.

The Other Story by Tatiana de Rosnay
       Vacationing at a luxurious Tuscan island resort, Nicolas Duhamel is hopeful that the ghosts of his past have finally been put to rest… Now a bestselling author, when he was twenty-four years old, he stumbled upon a troubling secret about his family - a secret that was carefully concealed. In shock, Nicholas embarked on a journey to uncover the truth that took him from the Basque coast to St. Petersburg - but the answers wouldn't come easily.

In the process of digging into his past, something else happened. Nicolas began writing a novel that was met with phenomenal success, skyrocketing him to literary fame whether he was ready for it or not - and convincing him that he had put his family's history firmly behind him. But now, years later, Nicolas must reexamine everything he thought he knew, as he learns that, however deeply buried, the secrets of the past always find a way out.

The first book I read by de Rosnay was Sarah's Key and I absolutely loved it!  It was phenomenal.  So I was expecting something similar from this book.  However I was majorly disappointed.  I stopped reading this book about half way through it.  I'm hoping her next book will be better!  I would skip this one.

Truly, Madly, Guilty by Liane Moriarty

Six responsible adults. Three cute kids. One small dog. It’s just a normal weekend. What could possibly go wrong?  Sam and Clementine have a wonderful, albeit, busy life: they have two little girls, Sam has just started a new dream job, and Clementine, a cellist, is busy preparing for the audition of a lifetime. If there’s anything they can count on, it’s each other.

Clementine and Erika are each other’s oldest friends. A single look between them can convey an entire conversation. But theirs is a complicated relationship, so when Erika mentions a last minute invitation to a barbecue with her neighbors, Tiffany and Vid, Clementine and Sam don’t hesitate. Having Tiffany and Vid’s larger than life personalities there will be a welcome respite.

Two months later, it won’t stop raining, and Clementine and Sam can’t stop asking themselves the question: What if we hadn’t gone?

In Truly Madly Guilty, Liane Moriarty takes on the foundations of our lives: marriage, sex, parenthood, and friendship. She shows how guilt can expose the fault lines in the most seemingly strong relationships, how what we don’t say can be more powerful than what we do, and how sometimes it is the most innocent of moments that can do the greatest harm.

Well again, this wasn't as good as Liane's first few books that I've read.  I was disappointed.  In the first 100 pages of the book they allude to what happened on that day at the BBQ but don't come out and say it until half way through the book.  I think the author was trying to build suspense but I just ended up frustrated.  I would recommend reading it but lower your expectations.

Seems that the theme of this post is disappointment in Author's that I have loved in the past with the exception of Sarah Jio.  Blah.  Hoping my next few books are better!

Have you read anything great lately?  Please share!!!

Lately

Wow just reread my last post from about a month ago when I thought D and I were going to break up!  Yikes.  Glad that didn't happen.  Luckily we were able to work everything and I think our relationship is in a really great place now:)

Here's whats been happening around here lately:

• We put our sweet rescue dog Lucy to sleep last week.  It was so sad but I know the right thing to do.  She had cancer and was starting to feel pain and it wasn't fair to her.  We will be adopting another senior dog, but may wait until after some summer trips.  In my opinion senior dogs are the best!  They are housebroken and very laid back.  We don't have the time for a puppy.  Maybe I do have the time but I'm not interested in using it to teach an animal not to go to the bathroom in my living room.  No thank you!  And often times senior dogs are overlooked so I feel so bad for them.  
• Just got home today from a trip to Islamorada.  Islamorada is in the Florida Keys and its beautiful and very relaxing!  Its a big fishing destination.  Fishing isn't my thing but I love laying in the sun.  There were manatee in the canal in front of our condo.  It was really neat!  We had a great meal at Lazy Days.  I also recommend Robbie's...its a cool outdoor bar.  Food isn't impressive but its a fun atmosphere.
• I just started watching Big Little Lies.  I read the book about a year ago and loved it!  I just finished episode 3 and I am hooked.  I LOVE Reese Witherspoon!
• I need to write a debt update post, but I have about $9500 left to pay off.  I feel like I am making progress!
• I've finally jumped on the "not washing your hair everyday" bandwagon.  I'm only a few days in but well see how it goes.  I have thin hair that doesn't have a lot of volume.  Ive been told washing it less will add volume to it.  I purchased a dry shampoo today but haven't used it yet.  Any one else do this?  Anything I need to know?  I am worried about it being gross on days I work out and get all sweaty but I'll just go with it for now and see what happen.
• I made this granola today and love it! Paleo Granola
• Going to see a live Dave Ramsey event this week!  I am geeking out!  I am so excited.  I hope I can shake his hand.  I will probably be so nervous and freak out.  I feel like a teenager going to a Backstreet Boys concert:)

Hope you had a great weekend! 

Is It Over?

Well my 10 year relationship may be over.  Yikes!  Terrifying to even type that.  I went out on Thursday night and got extremely drunk.  D is fed up with my binge drinking and said it was over.  I understand where he is coming from.  I do the same thing and then promise to change but don't follow through.  His lifestyle is very much into partying and socializing.  I am having a hard time staying home and not drinking and still feeling like he and I are connected.  So I go out and it back fires!
I know my actions and alcohol problem have caused this situation but I don't feel that he has been as supportive as he could have been.  In the past when he has gone on a diet or decided not to drink for awhile I typically decide to do it too.  He doesn't ask me too but I just feel like its the thing to do.  And he doesn't do that for me.  He thinks I am the one with the problem and that I need to change.  We don't really have any hobbies or activities that we do together that don't involve alcohol beside sex.  I'm not trying to turn this around on him.  But feel like he is a part of the problem too.  Does that make sense?  Or am I trying to shift the blame?
I live in his condo with him.  I will have to move if this really happens.  Its overwhelming.  Since I am still in debt and following the Dave Ramsey plan I only have $1000 in my savings account and I have been throwing every extra dollar at my debt.  I will have to pause the debt reduction plan and save up money to move out.  I am 32 and own nothing beside my clothes.  I don't have any furniture, dishes or tvs.  Crazy huh?  I have been with D since I was 22 and the only place I rented during that time was furnished.  When my previous boyfriend and I broke up when I was 21 I basically let im take everything.  I'm not high maintenance and will be fine with used things.  It is just overwhelming to think about at the moment.  Also, my dog is 70lbs and sick so I need a first floor.  Unfortunately she won't be around much longer because of her cancer but I will take her with me when I go.  Hard to find rentals that allow large dogs.  D isn't beating me and it isn't like I need to move ASAP but I would like to get on with it, if that is how it is going to play out.
He was angry when he said that it was over.  I just want to hear him reconfirm that and then I will start putting a plan into place to get on with my life.
I wonder why I keep doing this to myself?  Am I trying to sabotage my relationship?  I do really love him but do I know deep down that it isn't the right fit?  Lots going on in my head!

First Alanon Meeting

My Mom is an alcoholic.  Sometimes I wonder if that is where my issues with alcohol come from.  My therapist suggested I attend an Al-Anon meeting.  My Dad has suggested it for years but after hearing someone else recommend it I decided I should finally go.

Al-Anon is:
       "The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.  We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
      Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization, or institution: does not engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any cause.  There are no dues for membership.  Al-anon is self-supporting through its own voluntary contributions.  
      Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.  We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholic, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

  I googled meetings in my town and decided to try one last Friday afternoon.  It was held at a local church and there were 35 women there!!  I was surprised and saddened by the amount of people.  And surprised that it was all women. The meeting started with a prayer and then we all went around and said our names and how we were feeling.  Then the woman that was leading the group read a passage and following it we were given 5 minutes to meditate on the passage.  After that people were given the opportunity to speak and share what was on their mind.  One woman shared that she was excited to see her recovering alcoholic adult child for the weekend, one woman shared a heartbreaking story of bailing her alcoholic son out of jail and another woman cried about her husband and the bad choices he is making. It was nice to hear stories from other people that are in similar situations.

The meeting also showed me how drinking affects the other people in your life.  Being the child of an alcoholic I thought I already knew but I left wanting to be a better person and work on my own issues with alcohol.

The central theme that I picked up from the meeting was that the situation with the alcoholic is out of our hands.  Unfortunately, we can't fix them or change it.  We can be supportive and we can help but ultimately the decision is theirs.  It is up to a Higher Power.  I left the meeting feeling relaxed and supported.  It was the best free therapy!  If anyone else is facing a similar family situation I urge you to go!  My Mom has been battling with alcoholism for 15 years and it took me this long to attend.  I am going to try to make this meeting part of my weekly routine.

Workouts 2/12 to 2/18

2/12: Rest Day

2/13: 3 mile run

2/14: Iron Tribe Power Class
         20 min AMRAP of:
         10 Strict Pull-ups ( I used a red and purple band for the first few rounds and then added another red)
         10 Double KB Front Squats (I went back and forth using the 18 and 26lb KB)
         20 Medicine Ball Slams
*I finished 5 rounds, 20 reps

2/15: Iron Tribe Power Class
         A. 15 min to Build to a 3RM Split Jerk

         B.  For Time (9 min cap)
              3 Rounds of:
              15 HSPU's
              30 Walking Lunges

I got up to 80lbs for the Split Jerk and finished part B in 7:20.  The HSPUs were tough!  Still using two ab mats against the wall.

2/16: Rest Day

2/17: Iron Tribe Power Class
         25 Minutes to Complete the Following:
         Pause Front Squat
          3-3-3-3-3
*Build to Heaviest Weight throughout

After the first 4 sets, perform the following as fast as possible:
15 pull-ups
400 m run

I got 100lbs for the 3RM Front Squat

2/18: Iron Tribe
         20 Minute AMRAP:
         3 Deadlifts
         5 Box Jumps
        10 KB Swings
        15 Max Effort Pulls on the Rower
        100 meter Farmers Carry

I finished 5 rounds.  I used 105lbs for the DL's 35lbs for the KB swings and did step ups instead of box jumps.  Since I wiped out last year I am scared of box jumps.

I Failed....

Last Saturday night I drank.  I fell off the wagon.  I woke up on Sunday feeling guilty and hungover.  Totally stupid.  D was out of town on Saturday and I wanted to go do something fun.  Unfortunately I couldn't think of anything besides meeting up with a friend and going out and drinking.  I didn't even contemplate the decision much in my head.  I just went out to my local spots and drank.  My friend had no idea that I haven't been drinking so it wasn't like she was trying to stop me.  And drinking wasn't even that fun.  It wasn't like falling off a diet and eating ice cream, that I think it totally worth it.  Its just alcohol tho.  It really isn't that exciting.  I don't know why people even like it.  Me included.  It makes you fat, makes you say stupid things, typically makes you spend more money than you intended to, can ruin relationships and lives.  Yet so many people do it.  I guess the key is doing it with "moderation".  I hate that word.  I suck at moderation.  D has no idea that I drank.  I didn't tell him that I didn't but I didn't confess that I did either.  I feel guilty for hiding it from him.  I was paranoid that he would somehow find out and be really disappointed in me.  That is the worst feeling.  I know that I definitely have some social anxiety and alcohol helps.  I need to learn to be out with other people that are drinking and relax and have fun without drinking.  Any tips?  Do I just keep forcing myself in these situations?  Will that make it easier?  Kinda like speaking in front of a crowd, the more you do it the easier it becomes?  Or am I just tempting myself and putting myself at risk again by going out?  And then what?  I just sit home on the weekend and go stir crazy and feel like I am missing out?  Its Saturday night again and I feel like I am back in the dilemma.