Saturday, April 8, 2017

Is It Over?

Well my 10 year relationship may be over.  Yikes!  Terrifying to even type that.  I went out on Thursday night and got extremely drunk.  D is fed up with my binge drinking and said it was over.  I understand where he is coming from.  I do the same thing and then promise to change but don't follow through.  His lifestyle is very much into partying and socializing.  I am having a hard time staying home and not drinking and still feeling like he and I are connected.  So I go out and it back fires!
I know my actions and alcohol problem have caused this situation but I don't feel that he has been as supportive as he could have been.  In the past when he has gone on a diet or decided not to drink for awhile I typically decide to do it too.  He doesn't ask me too but I just feel like its the thing to do.  And he doesn't do that for me.  He thinks I am the one with the problem and that I need to change.  We don't really have any hobbies or activities that we do together that don't involve alcohol beside sex.  I'm not trying to turn this around on him.  But feel like he is a part of the problem too.  Does that make sense?  Or am I trying to shift the blame?
I live in his condo with him.  I will have to move if this really happens.  Its overwhelming.  Since I am still in debt and following the Dave Ramsey plan I only have $1000 in my savings account and I have been throwing every extra dollar at my debt.  I will have to pause the debt reduction plan and save up money to move out.  I am 32 and own nothing beside my clothes.  I don't have any furniture, dishes or tvs.  Crazy huh?  I have been with D since I was 22 and the only place I rented during that time was furnished.  When my previous boyfriend and I broke up when I was 21 I basically let im take everything.  I'm not high maintenance and will be fine with used things.  It is just overwhelming to think about at the moment.  Also, my dog is 70lbs and sick so I need a first floor.  Unfortunately she won't be around much longer because of her cancer but I will take her with me when I go.  Hard to find rentals that allow large dogs.  D isn't beating me and it isn't like I need to move ASAP but I would like to get on with it, if that is how it is going to play out.
He was angry when he said that it was over.  I just want to hear him reconfirm that and then I will start putting a plan into place to get on with my life.
I wonder why I keep doing this to myself?  Am I trying to sabotage my relationship?  I do really love him but do I know deep down that it isn't the right fit?  Lots going on in my head!