Saturday, February 18, 2017

I Failed....

Last Saturday night I drank.  I fell off the wagon.  I woke up on Sunday feeling guilty and hungover.  Totally stupid.  D was out of town on Saturday and I wanted to go do something fun.  Unfortunately I couldn't think of anything besides meeting up with a friend and going out and drinking.  I didn't even contemplate the decision much in my head.  I just went out to my local spots and drank.  My friend had no idea that I haven't been drinking so it wasn't like she was trying to stop me.  And drinking wasn't even that fun.  It wasn't like falling off a diet and eating ice cream, that I think it totally worth it.  Its just alcohol tho.  It really isn't that exciting.  I don't know why people even like it.  Me included.  It makes you fat, makes you say stupid things, typically makes you spend more money than you intended to, can ruin relationships and lives.  Yet so many people do it.  I guess the key is doing it with "moderation".  I hate that word.  I suck at moderation.  D has no idea that I drank.  I didn't tell him that I didn't but I didn't confess that I did either.  I feel guilty for hiding it from him.  I was paranoid that he would somehow find out and be really disappointed in me.  That is the worst feeling.  I know that I definitely have some social anxiety and alcohol helps.  I need to learn to be out with other people that are drinking and relax and have fun without drinking.  Any tips?  Do I just keep forcing myself in these situations?  Will that make it easier?  Kinda like speaking in front of a crowd, the more you do it the easier it becomes?  Or am I just tempting myself and putting myself at risk again by going out?  And then what?  I just sit home on the weekend and go stir crazy and feel like I am missing out?  Its Saturday night again and I feel like I am back in the dilemma.

No comments:

Post a Comment